Friday, May 11, 2007

What If?

Today is not one of my better days. It's a struggle, even now, to keep my eyes open, to move around, to do anything at all. Of course this is nothing new as it has been this way for the past 8 years. Some days are better than others. I didn't go to sleep until 3:30 a.m. this morning and had to be up at 7 a.m., and when I woke up, I knew that I would more than likely need a nap. I took the kids to school and did my usual thing on the computer (check emails, sites I thought of visiting, etc.). I took my 137 mcg of levothyroxine,and when I was ready for my nap, I set the alarm on my phone to wake me as I usually do before napping. That way I don't have to change the alarm on my ihome clock radio that's set for school days. I fell asleep pretty quick and I started having weird dreams. I awoke from sleep and dreaming a little disoriented. I had wondered why my phone alarm had not gone off. At first I thought, oh no, I'm very late getting the girls to school....then I thought, wait a minute, is it Saturday? And do I have only a half hour to get my stepson to the ball field for his baseball game? I honestly could not remember what day it was and was out of sorts for at least 5 or 10 minutes. Finally, it came back to me. Today is Friday. I was supposed to be up an hour ago(10:30 a.m.) so that I could do errands because Friday's are the kids' early release day from school (1:30 p.m.) . I got ready hurriedly and did all the things I had to do before leaving in 15 minutes. I had just 1 hour and 15 minutes to run those errands. I was back before 1:15 p.m. All this time I wondered what would have happened if I didn't get up on time and the kids were home and couldn't get in the door? What if I were really late in getting them to school? What if it IS Saturday and I had a half hour to get to the ball field? Just a bunch of 'what ifs?'

Even after that 2 hour nap, I still did not feel rested. The kids were home and it was all I could do to stay awake. The kids decided to go to the park. I thought I would just go upstairs and rest in my bed. I ended up falling asleep for another hour and a half. When I get like this, I feel like I'm not as good of a parent as I should be. I SHOULD be able to stay awake and do things. I keep asking myself, why do I always have to be tired? Is one day of feeling 'normal' too much to ask. To be honest, at this moment, I STILL don't feel rested....I could sleep all day long if someone let me. But I can''s time to be a parent even when it's taking everything I got in me right now. By the way, the phone alarm didn't go off because, in my fatigue, I set it to 10:30 p.m.


Queenie said...

Oh honey, it sounds really hard. I know its easy to say but keep your chin -up and take care.

MarmiteToasty said...

Im well knackered this week too :) lol